yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
