Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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