Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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