she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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