i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
