I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
