The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
