You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
