I wish I only lived at night.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
