ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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