if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
