I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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