At least make sure they are 18
Why
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
