The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
