I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
