You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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