I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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