Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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