Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
