Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
