I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
