He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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