We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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