My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
