I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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