Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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