Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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