She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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