He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
