how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
