one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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