can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
