took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.