She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
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Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle