yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
