my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
