You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
