You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
