apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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