in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
