my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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