if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
