if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
