Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
