i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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