I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
