apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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