Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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