Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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