im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
