I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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