who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
