Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
