When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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